Becoming Her: The Version of Me I Prayed For

There’s a version of me I used to pray for — a woman who knew her identity, walked in her authority, and moved with confidence and peace.
Becoming her has taken time, surrender, and a lot of unlearning. It’s been a process of letting God show me who I really am, not who I thought I had to be.

Learning My True Identity

I had to realize my identity and authority in Christ. Before anything else — any title, any calling, any “work-related” identity — my primary identity is Daughter of God.

Growing up without my biological father gave me issues understanding what it meant to be a daughter. One time I prayed and said,

“God, You couldn’t even give me an earthly father who wanted me to show me what it means to have a good father.”

And God replied,

“I do not emulate good fathers. Good fathers emulate Me. I Am The Good Father.”

That moment changed me. It led me into a season where I learned what it meant to have childlike faith — to rest in the truth that God isn’t just good, but that He’s a good and loving Father who not only loves me but likes me.
Coming to know that in real life changed everything about how I relate to Him.

Facing My Fear of the Calling

For a long time, I would self-sabotage my relationship with God. I’d run to sin in order to distance myself from Him because I was afraid of the calling He had on my life. I didn’t feel worthy.

But just because I didn’t feel that way doesn’t change the fact that He says I am.

I ran from community. I made decisions that ended up hurting me in the long run. I thought I was protecting myself, but really, I was isolating myself from the love and accountability I needed.

Still, God never stopped pursuing me.
And when I stopped running, He showed up in major ways — especially through people. He gave me the kind of community I had been praying for, and He did it in a way that made it clear: He had been orchestrating it all along.

Unlearning and Renewing

I had to unlearn the habits of self-sabotage and negative self-talk.
I had to unlearn all the toxic things I thought I knew about myself and relearn who I actually was.
I had to come out of agreement with the lies I had believed and learn how to renew my mind — and that is not easy.

That’s why we seek God in His Word. That’s why He gave us the Holy Spirit. He really is our Helper and the One who renews our mind.
Philippians 1:6 reminds me that God Himself is both the initiator and sustainer of our faith — it starts and ends with Him.

Taking the Ugly Things to God

No one talks about how taking the ugly things to God is actually beautiful.

I had hardened my heart with sin and had to bring that before Him — to ask Him to soften my heart again. And He did.

Some people say you shouldn’t take your doubts to God, but I would say He’s the only one who can do something about them. God honors transparency and vulnerability. We can’t soften our own hearts — that’s the work of the Holy Spirit.

God is faithful to show up in the places you invite Him into.
Still, being that vulnerable — confessing unbelief, disappointment, and sin — felt dirty at first. But then I remembered Mark 9:24, where the father says,

“I believe, Lord help my unbelief.”

And God did exactly that. Confessing those things came from a place of surrender and humility — not relying on my own strength, but trusting His faithfulness to increase my faith.

The Woman I Used to Be

If the woman I was five years ago could see me now, I think she’d be proud — proud of my resilience, my tenacity, and my faith.
The things that used to matter don’t phase me anymore.

I used to stress over things that held no eternal value, but now I see life through the lens of eternity. Romans 8:18 says,

“The sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed.”

No matter what life throws at me, I know the One who holds my salvation. I trust His plan — that it’s for me to live and not perish.

I’ve learned to cling desperately to His promises, because they’ve never failed me.

The Ongoing Battle

The hardest part of becoming her is not reverting to old behaviors — to seek God when I feel like reverting and to trust Him to provide an escape.
Sometimes my prayer is simple:

“God, please help me trust that Your way is better.”

And when I pray that and mean it, He always shows up.

As someone who’s been hyper-independent my whole life, learning to depend on anyone — even God — was hard. But through Him showing up, and surrounding me with people who actually show up, I’ve learned that I don’t have to have all the answers to be provided for.

It’s still tempting to look at where I am and feel like I “should be further along,” but I’ve learned that God isn’t surprised by my pace. He’s not caught off guard by my progress, or what I feel is lack of it.
He’s still working the good work He began in me.

Motherhood and Redemption

Becoming Lennox’s mother, especially after being told I probably wouldn’t be able to conceive, renewed my faith.

Even though this isn’t how I imagined bringing my child into the world — out of wedlock, with someone who isn’t necessarily the most supportive — it’s evidence that God redeems the ugly things and uses them for our good and His glory.

Motherhood has made me increasingly aware of the woman and mother I want to be. It’s encouraged me to show up as her daily.

It’s also tested my faith in new ways. When I lost my job, I had no idea how I was going to provide for myself, let alone for my son. But God.

He provided in ways I couldn’t have imagined — through people, opportunities, and moments that could only be explained by His hand. I couldn’t be more grateful.

The Message

If there’s one thing I want women to take away from this, it’s that God sees you where you are. He meets you there, and then He works with what you have to get you what you need.

In 2 Kings 4, the widow’s oil multiplied from what was already in her house. That’s what God does — He uses what’s already in you.
And the biggest thing we need? It’s more of Him.

If God is faithful enough to fill the voids of the universe with beautiful things, how much more faithful will He be to fill the voids of your heart — especially when He fills them with Himself?

The Prayer of Becoming

These days, I’m still praying:

“God, help me grow in relationship with You. Increase my discipline in studying Your Word. Help me continue to get to know the new creature that I am in Christ.”

Walking with God sometimes feels counterintuitive — but the more I allow Him to actually show up, the more He does.
And the more He does, the more trusting and relying on Him becomes second nature.

Every day, I’m becoming her —
the version of me I prayed for,
the daughter of God who knows her Father’s voice,
and finally believes what He says about her.

If this blessed you, share it with another woman who’s in her own season of becoming.
And if you’re walking through that process yourself — take heart. The same God who’s been faithful to me is faithful to you, too.